Ethical Pipes for Ethical Times (A Recipe For Self Improvement)

  1. Grab a table spoon and some water. If the bottom of the spoon that you grab is black, then someone in your immediate vicinity already knows about this recipe. Physical demonstrations hasten the learning curve, so go find this worldly individual, and be prepared to share with them the fruit of your labour. On second thought, continue reading.
  2. Search your cupboards for baking soda. If your cupboards contain nothing but baking soda, then you obviously live in a crack house, which means that you’re a crackhead in a crack house who can’t cook crack. Relax. I’m not judging. I’m here to help.
  3. Add a pinch of baking soda to the bowl of the spoon.
  4. Add half a gram of cocaine to the baking soda, in the bowl of the spoon. If you’re using a soup ladle, then just be sure to keep the ratio right: a pinch of baking soda to a half gram of cocaine. And you might want a defibrillator.
  5. Dribble some water into the spoon. Not too much. If it overflows, then you’ll be licking the table, or the floor, or the reservoir lid of a gas station toilet. Maybe you’re on a private plane, in which case, you’ll be licking the floor of the fuselage. If so, be careful. It didn’t end well for Ricky Nelson. Wherever you are, you’ll be licking something.
  6. Apply the flame of your lighter to the bottom of the spoon. If you didn’t think to get a lighter, then you’re a dumbass. Sorry, if I’ve offended you. The thing is, you’re probably too dumb to follow this recipe, unless, of course, you were planning to use one of the elements on your stove. But, did you pay your electricity bill? If you were planning to use your stove but your electricity got cut off because you didn’t pay your bill, then congratulations, you’re officially too dumb to smoke crack, and that’s a good thing, trust me.
  7. Bring it to a boil, then let it cool down, keeping an eye out for the precipitate.
  8. Extract the precipitate, load up your pipe, fill your lungs. And while I’m on the subject of pipes, I urge you to order your copy of the book, Ethical Pipes for Ethical Times. It’s full of self-improvement tips for the twenty-first century crack “enthusiast”. One of the things that you will learn, is how to reduce your carbon footprint by repurposing pop cans into crack pipes.
  9. Lock the doors and close the curtains, because right now you should be high as fuck.
  10. In about forty-five minutes you’ll be wanting more. Don’t worry, your dealer’s expecting you.
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6 thoughts on “Ethical Pipes for Ethical Times (A Recipe For Self Improvement)

  1. Baking Soda is so versatile. Put some in your coke, your hard boiling egg water (loosens the shells), and into cooking sugar to make peanut brittle. And of course, cocaine volcanoes for your kid’s 4th grade science project.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lol! I could have sworn I left a comment yesterday – ah well, here t’is again. The article is so chockfull of important and self redefining information that perhaps we should consider publishing a whole series of self-help books. The Ethical series defining the new ethical as it is so rapidly changing.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Funny. I am hoping this is going to be used in your book. I can see the Flynn working on a drug cookbook, getting druggies to help, and he might get the idea that Rocky can bankroll him. I’d come up with a few more ironic recipes and the poor souls who offered their advice. Flynn talking out of his rolled down window to a corner girl: “When you want to get high quick, what do you do?” “Well, it involves body fluids and scrapings from the front steps of the bus station.” “Sounds interesting. Can you list the ingredients and how you mix them?” “Sure, but it’ll cost you.” Things like that. Thanks. Duke

    Liked by 1 person

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