Last Minute Xmas Gift Offer From The Tin Hats Blog (We’re Not Talking Books)

In this time of Trumpist bullhorns spreading absurd and harmful claims, I began thinking about the lowly dog whistle. After all, a bullhorn is like an AR-15, everyone can hear and understand. Why waste time with indirect words, when one can rip somebody’s heart out? But then it occurred to me that after Trump leaves office, maybe the dog whistle will make a comeback.  Trump supporters might be forced to be more subtle in their disinformation and hatred without a president to goad and shield them.  If that were to happen, one might be able to make good money off the sale of upgraded dog whistles. 

Here is how it could work:

I’m glad to announce the Universal Dog Whistle for sale on the Tin Hats Blog.  That’s right, we’re selling the ultimate dog whistle for conveying all of your homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, antidemocratic, racist, ageist, climate change denial, and United Nations/affirmative action hatred.  You will be able to discriminate in the comfort of your own home with the Universal Dog Whistle. 

All you need to do is blow!

Our classic dog whistles are made from the highest quality non-recyclable plastic.  All whistles, ironically, are no bigger than the middle finger.  Each one comes with its own calibrated frequency.  For example, the whistle for racism uses a different tone than the one for homophobia.  In addition, you can control the coverage of your discrimination with our whistle transmission nob.  There are three choices. You can set your whistle for “Wild-eyed” coverage, which will impact an entire town or city.  Perhaps you want the “Feverish” setting, which will only infect people in your immediate household.  Finally, our most popular setting, the “Dead Ender”.  This category of coverage only harms Liberals, Progressives, and registered members of the Democratic Party. 

The Universal Dog Whistle comes in three patriotic colors and patterns: 1) Bright MAGA Red, 2) Pure Lilly White, and 3) the Star-Spangled Banner with five tiny American flags and five, even smaller, photos of Trump’s face on a sky-blue background.    

The Universal Dog Whistle is the creation of our international team of scientists and visionaries from England, Germany, Serbia, Saudi Arabia, the Philippines, Iran and Syria.  We are also proud to acknowledge that much of our funding comes from nameless investors in Russia and China. 

We feel our prices are reasonable.  Each individual whistle is priced at $29.99.  Sets of eight whistles, which will give you the full range of discriminatory tones, is only $199.99.  Please make all checks and money orders payable to Duke Miller, J.T. Twissel, Aaron Louis Asselstine, and K. Bijou. 


15 thoughts on “Last Minute Xmas Gift Offer From The Tin Hats Blog (We’re Not Talking Books)

  1. Like in Inglorious Basterds, cutting a swastika into the foreheads of Nazis… Stain the hair of all Trumpists bright orange. Maybe now, though, they’ve risen like roaches in a flooded building, the tide having turned. We should be able to spray for them now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That just about sums it up< doesn't it? I especially like the part about nameless investors in Russia and China. Please let me place an order for all you have so I can melt them down and pour them of ignorance, once and for all.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. After tooting on our dog whistles, let’s belt out a few verses of ‘Joy to the World’:
    Joy to the world! Trump is done;
    Let America receive Joe Biden;
    Make every vote count, let law and order rule,
    Americans everywhere sing,
    Americans everywhere sing,
    Everywhere Americans sing their joy!

    Joy to the world! our Democracy stands firm;
    Let voters decide who presides;
    Republicans and Democrats comply, no more need to cry fraud,
    Repeat the sounding joy,
    Repeat the sounding joy,
    Repeat, repeat the sounding joy.

    No more fake news and conspiracy theories;
    nor vitriol infect public speech;
    Biden comes to unite us all, together we’ll beat COVID,
    Cast away the curse of lies,
    Cast away the curse of lies,
    Cast away, cast away the curse of lies.

    Qué la mano de la justicia caiga fuerte al pinche Trump, qué lo saquen ya mediante la enmienda 25.

    Liked by 1 person

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