In this time of Trumpist bullhorns spreading absurd and harmful claims, I began thinking about the lowly dog whistle. After all, a bullhorn is like an AR-15, everyone can hear and understand. Why waste time with indirect words, when one can rip somebody’s heart out? But then it occurred to me that after Trump leaves office, maybe the dog whistle will make a comeback. Trump supporters might be forced to be more subtle in their disinformation and hatred without a president to goad and shield them. If that were to happen, one might be able to make good money off the sale of upgraded dog whistles.
Here is how it could work:
I’m glad to announce the Universal Dog Whistle for sale on the Tin Hats Blog. That’s right, we’re selling the ultimate dog whistle for conveying all of your homophobic, xenophobic, misogynistic, antidemocratic, racist, ageist, climate change denial, and United Nations/affirmative action hatred. You will be able to discriminate in the comfort of your own home with the Universal Dog Whistle.
All you need to do is blow!
Our classic dog whistles are made from the highest quality non-recyclable plastic. All whistles, ironically, are no bigger than the middle finger. Each one comes with its own calibrated frequency. For example, the whistle for racism uses a different tone than the one for homophobia. In addition, you can control the coverage of your discrimination with our whistle transmission nob. There are three choices. You can set your whistle for “Wild-eyed” coverage, which will impact an entire town or city. Perhaps you want the “Feverish” setting, which will only infect people in your immediate household. Finally, our most popular setting, the “Dead Ender”. This category of coverage only harms Liberals, Progressives, and registered members of the Democratic Party.
The Universal Dog Whistle comes in three patriotic colors and patterns: 1) Bright MAGA Red, 2) Pure Lilly White, and 3) the Star-Spangled Banner with five tiny American flags and five, even smaller, photos of Trump’s face on a sky-blue background.
The Universal Dog Whistle is the creation of our international team of scientists and visionaries from England, Germany, Serbia, Saudi Arabia, the Philippines, Iran and Syria. We are also proud to acknowledge that much of our funding comes from nameless investors in Russia and China.
We feel our prices are reasonable. Each individual whistle is priced at $29.99. Sets of eight whistles, which will give you the full range of discriminatory tones, is only $199.99. Please make all checks and money orders payable to Duke Miller, J.T. Twissel, Aaron Louis Asselstine, and K. Bijou.